Artemis Fowl And The Helsinki Incident
by Lii
Summary: Sool's been kidnapped, Holly and Mulch are unconcious, Foaly has a bruised knee and Artemis is getting shot at. Then things start getting bad ...
1. Think Of All The Gold

Artemis Fowl and The Helsinki Incident

Disclaimer: I do own some things, amongst them a plush dinosaur, a windup hamster and red shoes. I, however, do not own Artemis Fowl.

_Published on horsesense.gom_

Once again the LEP has failed to acknowledge the true heroes of Haven, and the facts remain widely unknown to the general public. If not for ex-captain Holly Short, Mulch Diggums, the brilliant Foaly (whose wit and sparkling intelligence has saved the LEP numerous times and invented some, no all, of the most sophisticated technologies under the earth) and, "Haven's Number One Threat", Artemis Fowl, Commander Sool would still be missing in action (which is not such a bad state of affairs) and Haven would be under threat of Mud-Man invasion (which is). Many of our most honoured politicians (who would never exploit a breach of security to their own benefit) have used this as ammunition for a world wide mind-wipege of all humans, which would have the basic effect of sending them back into, what they have termed, the Stone Age. Although Mud-Men are generally unintelligent and mostly incapable of long term vision and the conservation of their natural environment, there are those who have long since passed these constrictions of their race and prove to be a benefit to the People, as you shall soon learn …

**Chapter One**

Holly sighed and propped her feet up on her rickety desk. Another case solved, another week's rent paid. Her gaze fell on a framed photograph hanging pride of place above the coffee machine. A smiling Trouble, a Stern Root and a grinning Foaly looked back at her, their LEP acorns glinting from the harsh light of the flash. She sighed again. No matter how many stolen items she returned to their wealthy owners she couldn't shake the faint home-sick like feeling as she missed the real action that the LEP uniform brought.

Holly shifted restlessly, but before she could resign herself to a life of paperwork, cold coffee and missing cats the heavy door to her office flew open; and she fell off her chair.

"Holly!" Mulch ran in, his eyes sparkling wildly.

"What?" came Holly's snappish answer from the dusty floor.

"Sool's missing in action!"

Holly stiffened as she made her way back to standing position, "And the LEP made that information public?"

Mulch slowly chewed a stray beard beetle, still grinning widely. "Well, after Lilli Frond blabbed to her 'super best friend' Rosemary Winter, they couldn't really hold it back."

Holly nodded her head slowly. Rosemary Winter was Haven's best crime reporter, and the most unscrupulous. She had no doubt that the only reason Winter managed to endure Frond's annoyingly perkiness was because she received juicy newspaper headlines every once in a while. Holly shuddered at the thought of evening drinks with Frond just to make a living. Mulch had stopped chewing and was now baring his teeth inches from Holly's face. "Now guess the best thing – even better than Sool being lost," he giggled. Holly pinched her nose.

"The LEP is buying you a year's supply of mouthwash to celebrate?"

Waving Holly's insult aside like so many swear toads, Mulch grinned again.

"The LEP is hiring Haven's greatest detective and his ex-LEP sidekick to find him again!"

Holly grinned, "That is good."

Mulch began to rub his hands together furiously.

"Just think of all the gold they'd be willing to pay …"


	2. Give A Dwarf A Break

Disclaimer: I do own some things, amongst them a plush dinosaur, a windup hamster and red shoes. I, however, do not own Artemis Fowl.

**Chapter Two**

_**Ireland, Fowl Manor**_

Gold?

Artemis frowned at his laptop. Surely no one would be daft enough to attempt to blackmail _him_. He peered down at his copy of the virus-filled email he had received only minutes earlier. Or perhaps they would be.

Artemis lent back in his chair and scoffed. Half a ton of gold in return for the promise that no assassination attempts would be made on his life? Artemis deleted the email with a smug look on his face. Obviously this person didn't know him very well.

No one could hope to beat Artemis Fowl the Second, and it was laughable to think that he could be assassinated. And as he left his comfortable study in the search for caviar, Artemis was thoroughly convinced that he was right.

After all, isn't he always?

_**Germany**_

Bade Herzig smoothed his moustache contentedly. He was sure to emerge triumphantly into to the spotlight this year. This was his year, he was sure.

Bade contemplated how many Nobel prizes he might win. Three, Four? His eyes closed as he pictured the adoring crowds and eager paparazzi. His incisors flashed as he pictured his brother. Not the favourite, the perfect son anymore are we, Ormand?

Bade's forehead creased into the customary Herzig scowl as shouting and swearing interrupted his musings.

Honestly, you'd think the fairies would have cultivated some etiquette by now.

_**Dark tunnel, Below Germany**_

Holly flicked on her tunnel beams. Pitch black and the smell of Mulch in all his glory bit back. _It's the fastest way_, Holly reminded herself, _no queues, no questions, no hold-ups... _

The good part of the next several hours was spent climbing and crawling. Holly was just thinking whether the Council really wanted Sool back or was simply protecting against human discovery, and wondering why it had been so easy to track down the location of Sool's kidnapper when Mulch spoke, "Welcome to Germany, Mademoiselle!" Holly raised an eyebrow.

"And here I was thinking all People had the gift of tongues …"

Mulch paid her no mind.

"Sunset! Once again I have made perfect time; I'm brilliant. Smell that clay! It's good to be topside again, isn't it Short?"

Holly inhaled deeply and stretched her stiff arms.

"Makes for a change"

She smiled up at the moon. "And Germany is a truly beautiful country"

Holly checked her wrist. "Time to get started," she muttered. "It feels strange not to have Foaly here though …"

Mulch shook his head. "Personally, I prefer to know Foaly doesn't know exactly what I'm doing. Every time he has footage of me, I get to spend some quality time in Council funded hotels."

Holly gave him a look.

"Sure that's not just your criminal paranoia showing through?"

Mulch attempted to sound offended.

"I've been straight for almost six months now Holly. Give a dwarf a break."

Holly shook her head.

"Let's go."


	3. D'Arvit

Disclaimer: I do own some things, amongst them a plush dinosaur, a windup hamster and red shoes. I, however, do not own Artemis Fowl.

**Chapter 3**

_Germany_

Bade Herzig saw them coming. He studied the frozen frame carefully, they were obviously heavily armed; but Herzig was overjoyed. Three fairies could win him even more fame, and even more Nobel prizes …

He tapped a small black button next to his desk drawer. "Irmgard? It appears we have guests. Kindly allow the dogs to greet them."

Bade smiled quietly to himself. He truly was a genius; who else had ever gained filmed evidence of a fairy? His finger travelled around the smooth edge of the glass that sat before him. Germany might not understand him, but the world would.

_Outside_

Holly raised a fist. "What?" Mulch asked loudly, the camfoil that was draped over his clothes and helmet was irritating him.

"Listen"

Mulch listened. And what he heard, he didn't like.

"Dogs," he shuddered, remembering the last time he came face to face with dogs, and making his camfoil slide over to the left a little. "I hate dogs."

Holly nodded, "Just stay still."

_The Study of Bade Herzig_

Bade smiled scornfully, so the little fairies thought that the dogs couldn't see him? '_Silly, silly people_,' Bade mused as he leaned back in his chair to watch the outcome of his little set-up. He'd done extensive research to prepare himself for an offensive move from the fairies; and now possessed some very well sighted dogs. He shook his head, '_Hadn't the fairies ever heard of genetic manipulation?_'

_Outside_

_One_

It was Ripper who first caught their scent. The pack got excited; then suddenly, the scent was no longer there. Ripper crept closer, the smell didn't matter anyway, because now he could see them …

_Two_

Holly checked the various readouts from her helmet. They would be fine. With all vents closed and using their personal oxygen supply, there was no way the dogs could smell her and Mulch. She glanced over at Mulch. He gave her a shaky grin in return. The dogs would be no threat. Holly breathed a sigh of relief. Then the canines started to head towards them …

_Three_

Hallam Irmgard looked on in boredom as the dogs stalked the prey that was apparently there. He couldn't see them, but he didn't think about that. He didn't think much at all; only how much he was getting paid to help his self conceited boss grasp his 15 minutes of fame. Irmgard doubted it would last any longer. One of the dogs fell. Irmgard flinched slightly in surprise. Two more were down. Irmgard's eyes widened; the entire pack had been decommissioned in less than a minute. Impossible. He must be seeing things. '_Seeing things …'_

Irmgard realised relatively quickly that he was now alone with two armed and potentially dangerous intruders whom he couldn't see. '_I think I'm in trouble …'_

_Four_

Mulch grinned at Holly. "I guess letting the dogs smell us wasn't such a bad idea after all."

Holly didn't smile.

"I'm sure whoever kidnapped Sool has more than a couple of weird dogs."

Mulch shrugged and pointed towards the scared looking guard.

"Let's see what the Mud Man thinks."

But Irmgard had already begun to run back towards the house. Holly shouldered her 'borrowed' Neutrino and grinned in a way that was slightly reminiscent of Artemis.

"Let's save him the trouble of functioning for a while."

_The Study of Bade Herzig_

Bade was scowling again. Irmgard had not only failed, he was currently laying with his mouth full of petunias. But the scowl faded from Bade's forehead as he recalled his more effective, if not hugely more expensive, intrusion prevention method. "Sweet dreams," he whispered, and he pressed a big red button. Which is never good.

_Outside_

Mulch was wondering just why the sprinkler system was emerging from beneath the soil. Surely it was a bit late to be watering the grass? But before he could ponder this matter any further, darkness began to eat its way into his vision. He felt Holly collapse beside him. "D'Arvit"


	4. Helsinki Awaits

Disclaimer: I do own some things, amongst them a plush dinosaur, a windup hamster and red shoes. I, however, do not own Artemis Fowl.

**Chapter Four**

_Germany_

Holly awoke with an uncomfortable sense of déjà vu. She was laying in a concrete room; no windows and only one small door. She clenched her fists. "Artemis!"

Mulch grinned up at her from his position on the floor, "Nice to know you don't dream about me anymore Holly."

"Short!"

Holly sat up, "What!"

Sool marched over to her bunk, but even whilst she was sitting, he didn't quite manage to tower over her.

"My rescue attempt, I presume? The council must be delusional if they trusted you and the dwarf to this mission. There was no way you could have succeeded. A loose cannon and a murderer, pathetic indeed."

Holly rose and managed to make Sool back out of her personal space a little bit.

"You and I both know Koboi was behind Julius Root's murder, Sool, so don't try to kid yourself and bring it back on me."

Sool sneered.

"Don't get too cosy thinking that Short. I'll get you for it one day."

Holly struggled to resist the urge to hit him with her buzz baton. She succeeded. She punched him instead. Mulch began applauding when he saw Sool going down, but stoped when Holly glared at him. Mulch threw his hands in the air, "What? I can't even express a little joy here and there?"

Holly ignored him and began to look around. Rule number one in the Recon handbook; Make use of your environment. Her environment wasn't being very inspirational at the moment. Their small prison contained a wooden chair and a tin plate. Holly snorted, '_oh yes, this was going to be a breez_e.' '_It's your fault_,' came another voice, '_what kind of Recon officer would be captured so easily?'_ Holly frowned but before she could continue her internal battle Mulch pointed out something. "Holly, why'd they let you keep your buzz baton?"

Holly plucked the small cylinder from her belt. "I guess they didn't know what it was …"

Mulch nodded. He knew from experience that that little cylinder could extend very quickly to provide a hard shock to whoever was unlucky enough to have fired up Holly's temper. "Not as smart as Fowl then," he stated, attempting to sound wise.

"No," said Holly slowly, "But that could be very good for us…"

She began to pat the numerous pockets over her suit.

"What are you doing?"

"D'Arvit," muttered Holly, "They took my phone."

Mulch sat down heavily. "So I guess 'phone a friend' is not an option."

Holly nodded, "Looks like we're alone for this one."

Mulch buried his head in his hands.

"This is just going to get worse."

_Over The North Atlantic Ocean_

Artemis checked his laptop. Another email from his hopeful blackmailer was on the screen. The price had increased once again, and, once again, Artemis had no intention of paying a solitary ingot of it. Butler tapped his shoulder, "We'll be there in two minutes Artemis."

Artemis checked his watch; they were running on time. He closed his laptop and nodded, "Good, do we need to revise?"

Butler smiled softly; it was still the same old Artemis. Out loud he simply replied, "No, sir, I think everyone knows their roles."

Artemis nodded again, "Good."

_Somewhere In Europe_

This one was stubborn. The warning he had given Fowl had been ignored; it was evidently time to make this warning a reality. He cracked his knuckles before beginning to dial a number very few knew of. Fowl was as good as dead.

_Ops Booth, Lower Elements_

Foaly spun in his chair. Plasma screens flashed in front of his vision before coming to a sudden halt as his front legs collided with a protruding file cabinet. Foaly sighed and propped his chin up with his palms, elbows resting before his main computer. Life was dull. No Holly to talk to. No Root to banter with. Not even Sool was here to be annoyed. Life was dull, and now his legs hurt as well. He sighed again. Maybe he'd try to ring Holly. It was annoying that he didn't have an open line he could use to relieve his boredom anymore, but after Holly quit to LEP that became against regulations. So was letting her keep most of her LEP equipment, but that was a little harder for Sool to discover. And what he didn't know, Foaly's budget wouldn't be cut for. He dialled the number.

_Germany_

_**Ding ding ding DEET DEET DEET**_

Bade was surprised to hear a piercing ringing coming from the pile of technology that was situation on his desk. '_A mobile phone?'_ he mused. He selected a likely looking object from the pile and pressed the small green button located on the left corner of it. The effect was instantaneous.

"Hi Holly! Holly? Hello, Holly?"

The voice continued to issue from the device as Bade stared. The quality was incredible, he could win awards for technology like this. He smiled ' … _awards_ …'

The voice was getting impatient.

"Holly! Are you there! Please answer me! If this is about the bettle juice thing, I'm really sorry … Holly? Holly?"

Bade snorted, obviously this fairy wasn't very smart. He pressed the green button again. The voice stopped and Bade leant back in his chair. Enough time had been wasted here. Helsinki awaited.


	5. Pity

Disclaimer: I do own some things, amongst them a plush dinosaur, a windup hamster and red shoes. I, however, do not own Artemis Fowl.

**Chapter Five**

Foaly looked at his computer in confusion. Holly had hung up on him. Or had she? That sound … it hadn't sounded like Holly …

Spinning on his specially modified wheely chair, Foaly's eyes landed on the ever-growing pile of memos on his desk.

RE: SHORT AND DIGGUMS EMPLOYED TO TRACK AND RETRIEVE SOOL

Foaly's neurons fired. Holly was topside. Holly wasn't answering her phone. One conclusion stuck out in Foaly's brain. The mud man who had captured Sool had just increased his fairy collection. Foaly's fingers flew over the keyboard. He couldn't do anything topside; but he knew someone who could.

_A rooftop in France_

Xue narrowed her eyes. The subject was located. She lowered her shoulder blades so her body was flush with the roof. An easy shot. She twisted a small dial on the barrel to ensure her sights were on target. The back of Artemis Fowl's head filled the middle of the crosshair. She smiled and squeezed the trigger. Would they miss him, she wondered?

Artemis was busy pretending to admire a modern piece by one R. Bex when he received a phone call. Only Butler had this number. '_Haven must be calling_,' mused Artemis. Foaly was the only being talented enough to hack into the secure line, besides Artemis himself, of course. He stepped to the side to allow a group of elderly ladies to view the paint speckled canvas.

"Foaly," began Artemis but his sentence was interrupted as a shot rung out and one of the blue hair pensioners collapsed. Artemis' neck whipped around to look out the window from which the bullet had originated. He caught a fleeting glance of a slight figure running, but they were out of sight before he could determine anything of them. Although, suddenly, his blackmailer seemed a much greater threat.

"Fowl? Fowl? D'Arvit is it hang up on Foaly day or what!"

Artemis retrieved his phone from where it lay open on the marble floor.

"Foaly,"

"Fowl! Fowl! What just happened!"

Artemis rubbed his temples with his free hand; a genius perhaps, but Foaly's etiquette occasionally left one wanting.

"Calm yourself, Foaly. An elderly woman was shot. It is not fatal."

He deliberately excused himself from mentioning it was he who was the intended target. He supposed the woman was, in a way, lucky. If he were taller, she would have more than an injured arm.

Foaly sighed.

"As long as you're still standing, Fowl, I'm fine."

Artemis moved away from the growing crowd of curiously morbid art-goers and paramedics.

"What do you want Foaly?"

"We … uh, I need your help."

"I'm rather busy at the moment Foaly. I seem to have made someone irritated, to say the least."

Foaly snorted.

"What's new?"

Artemis closed his eyes and renewed rubbing his temples. Why could Foaly simply not act in a professional manner?

"Foaly, what do you want?"

The centaur's voice lost its joking quality.

"Holly, Mulch and Sool are topside. They've been kidnapped."

Artemis opened his eyes.

"How?"

Foaly sighed heavily.

"I really don't know, if I had have been in contact … Artemis, we need to find them. I have no idea what's happening and if it was up to the Council, nothing would be done for at least six days and … we really don't have that time."

Artemis nodded absent-mindedly. He could understand Foaly's fear of exposure.

"I'm currently in Paris. Where should I be?"

The sound of Foaly tapping his keyboard reached his ears.

"Finland" replied Foaly after only a few seconds. "I'll send you all the information I have Fowl, but I can't do much else."

Artemis' brow furrowed. His already developing plan would have to be modified slightly. Still he nodded.

"I understand."

The Fowl heir turned slightly to see Butler waiting patiently.

"I'll be awaiting your email Foaly."

With a quiet beep, Artemis hung up.

"Foaly, sir?"

Artemis slipped his phone into the inside pocket of this jacket as he turned to fully face Butler.

"Yes, Domovoi. Yet another adventure begins. The Louvre will wait, we must now travel to Helsinki."

Butler nodded.

"The jet is waiting."

And with that they walked quietly from the building, generally inconspicuous among the crowds.

Only one man took any notice of their leaving; he did not seem overjoyed at this fact. He threw his cigarette but into a nearby bin as he threw a glance at the small pool of blood cleaners were hurriedly attending to.

"Pity," he muttered and strode out the front doors.


	6. Precisely

Disclaimer: I do own some things, amongst them a plush dinosaur, a windup hamster and red shoes. I, however, do not own Artemis Fowl.

**Chapter Six**

_Train, somewhere between Germany and Finland_

Mulch awoke in what appeared to be the baggage compartment of a large train. '_What was it with this mystery Mud Man and rendering them unconscious?_' wondered Mulch; except a touch more impatiently, and with not so many 'big words'. "At Sool isn't talking," he muttered aloud. The LEP Commander had spent hours muttering about loose cannons after he regained consciousness in the small cell they had previously inhabited. "Pity Holly didn't hit him harder." Mulch scratched his head. They needed to escape, but how? It wasn't as though he could tunnel his way out of this situation. Metal wasn't good for the teeth, and the ancient looking handcuffs weren't going to make his job any easier either. Sool choose that moment to sit up, look around and start moaning about looser cannons once more. Mulch sighed. Hopefully Holly would wake up soon.

_The Lear Jet_

Once aboard the Fowl family jet for the second time in so many hours, Artemis immediately accessed his emails via his laptop. Two icons flashed. He checked sender identification. One was the expected correspondence from Foaly; the other was unknown. Artemis rolled his eyes discreetly. Most probably another threat from his would be blackmailer who had the inconvenient and slightly irritating habit of changing email addresses after each piece of correspondence. The he remembered the old lady at the Louvre. Perhaps it was time he upped his efforts to identify his unknown enemy.

Foaly's email was not as to the point as Artemis would have liked; but still it contained the facts, which of course, was the most important thing.

_to: __foalyaehavenlep.gom_

_subject: Holly and Co._

_Ok Fowl, here's the deal. Sool was kidnapped by some German Mud Man named Bade Herzig. You Mud Men have strange names. We don't know why, and we don't really know how. But I'm pretty sure it may have had something to do with Sool being too thick to hold his shield topside. And, of course, he was topside to complete the Ritual, meaning he has about as much magic as a swear toad's backside. Now Mr Mud Man is off to Helsinki, possibly to attend a forum in which all the wannabe genius' go to make fools of themselves. Which isn't hard for most Mud Men anyway. And I think he's taken Holly's phone, which probably means he's confiscated all other technology that she, Mulch and Sool had. Unless he's really thick. That's all I know, Fowl, but I'll call with more information as it comes up._

Artemis' brow furrowed as he processed Foaly's information. There was not much to work with, the only fairy technology in the equation was Foaly's computers and the only fairy accomplice he had was, again, Foaly. And he would have to hurry; Herzig already had a head start, and they didn't know what he was planning. Artemis smirked a little. At least the last problem could be fixed. Wondering why Foaly didn't do this earlier, Artemis began to search for any files belonging to Herzig. Hopefully he'd get lucky.

_Train, somewhere between Germany and Finland_

Bade lounged in one of the plush seats the littered the first class carriage of the plan he was currently travelling in and sipped his spring water. No alcohol for him, as that could induce lack of articulation during his acceptance speech. He smiled happily. The doors that had to be opened with large sums of cash, like the door to the private storage carriage which the fairies were currently residing behind, would soon be opened by the mere mention of his name. He would be famous; world renown, even. '_How did the fairy people go unnoticed for so long?_' he wondered. The first one he had encountered had seemed to think simply asking Bade to release him and forget all about fairies would succeed! Bade chuckled to himself, '_pathetic, really._'

_The Lear Jet_

"How is the plan coming along Artemis?" enquired Butler quietly. He didn't want to disturb his charge if Artemis was attempting to think deeply. Artemis opened his eyes and motioned for his oldest friend to be seated. "I have a idea that has approximately a forty-five percent chance for success. Unfortunately, this is also the only plan that has the possibility to actually work. I had only a small amount of information to work this plan around, but I hope it will prove to be sufficient. Herzig is currently on his way to Helsinki, travelling by train. He is then going directly to a scientific forum at which he presumedly plans to expose our friends, and Sool, to a small percentage of the general public. An armoured van has been hired to meet Herzig at the airport. Possibly because this is one of the few types of transportation in which the contents can not be seen by passers-by. Hopefully Herzig is trying to keep his prisoners from being seen by too many people, before he reaches the forum. On arriving at the forum, the guards from the armoured van will continue to guard the Holly, Mulch and Sool until Herzig instructs the guards to bring them onstage. This will take approximately half an hour as Herzig is, unfortunately for us, the first to be allowed the stage." Artemis paused to take a sip from his bottled water. "The only other useful fact I uncovered was that Herzig recently dismissed his only personal security guard."

"So the weak link in this chain in Herzig himself? That presents several opportunities."

Artemis smiled his trademark smile; the one that struck fear in the hearts of old ladies, small children and all banking personnel.

"Precisely."


	7. Alfonse

Disclaimer: I do own some things, amongst them a plush dinosaur, a windup hamster and red shoes. I, however, do not own Artemis Fowl.

**Chapter Seven**

_Biysk, Russia _

A man sat at a small desk in a dingy internet café and smiled contentedly. Fowl may have had some narrow escapes before, but this time he was all but checkmated. Looking down at his hands, the man's smile dropped away to be replaced with a look that could only be anger. Anger at remembering just what exactly Fowl had put him through. Oh yes, Fowl's time was definitely coming to an end.

_Helsinki-vantaa airport_

Once they had arrived in Helsinki, Artemis immediately directed Butler towards the nearest hotel to the airport at which the Lear jet had been stored. The airport officials had become very accommodating at the promise of a large donation to the staff lounge. Normally Artemis would have refused to even consider renting a room which wasn't five star; but he supposed that forgoing the extra star was the price one paid for needing to save an entire civilisation. '_And_,' he comforted himself, '_it will only be for a short while…_' Once they had convinced the woman at the front desk that, no, they didn't want any extra towels and had made it up to their room; they began to put Artemis' plan into place.

_The back of an armoured van, Helsinki_

Holly groaned and attempted to rub the back of her head. "I take back anything I ever said about life without the LEP being boring."

Mulch nodded. "My beard hair is never going to be the same."

Sool turned a shade of puce reminiscent of Julius Root. "For Frond's sake, dwarf! Think about something important for a change – like my career!"

Holly shot Sool a glare that could have melted metal. "Or how about the fate of our entire civilisation?"

_The backseat of a rented limousine, entering Helsinki _

Bade glanced at his watch and smiled. They were running right on time. He allowed himself the luxury of pausing in the rehearsal of his acceptance speech to imagine the adoring crowds he would soon attract. He closed his eyes. He imagined seeing himself on the covers of magazines, having biographies written about him, getting copious of fan mail which he could blissfully ignore …

The chauffeur glanced in the rear-view mirror. His passenger was currently waving to apparent adoring, and invisible, crowds. Johannes shook his head. The rich were always the weirdest.

_LEP Operations Booth, Haven_

Foaly gave an extra spin in his wheely chair for good luck. Then he flexed his fingers and got to work. He may make hacking _look_ easy, but even for someone of his intellect it took a bit of concentration. Especially when one was working on the scale that Artemis demanded. But after a couple of minutes his furious key tapping and a couple of well placed swats to the heads of interruptive interns Foaly allowed himself a grin and another couple of spins. And his mother had said that all that time infiltrating gnomespace.gom was a waste of time …

_Room 615, A Hotel, Helsinki_

Artemis looked in the mirror and tugged at his clothes with a slight grimace. "I shall never understand what my peer group sees in these ridiculous 'hoodies'. If the very existence of our friends was not at stake, I would have left these in the storage compartment."

Butler allowed himself a small smile. "Well, as much as you dislike it Artemis, you do make a very good teenager."

His charge simply scoffed. "I am going to incinerate these as soon as we arrive home. They may have come in useful this time, but I miss my suits."

Their conversation was interrupted by the rather loud sound of a phone vibrating. Artemis quickly picked up. "Foaly. How is your segment of the plan advancing?"

"I am going to have so much fun doing this, Fowl." A rather horsy laugh rang in Artemis' ear and he quickly moved the receiver out of such close proximity to his head.

"Is it ready to be initiated?"

"Sure is Mud Man; all I have to do is push the figurative little red button."

"Good. I shall send you an SMS when the time comes, and hopefully you will receive it in an appropriate amount of time."

"Yes, Fowl, you have already explained this you know. No need to show off."

Artemis sniffed, slightly offended. "Until then, Foaly"

"Näkemiin!"

Artemis slipped his phone into one of the numerous pockets on his jeans as he turned to face Butler. "Well, my old friend, it is time to commence."


	8. Sleeping On The Couch

Disclaimer: I do own some things, amongst them a plush dinosaur, a windup hamster and red shoes. I, however, do not own Artemis Fowl.

**Chapter Eight**

_A road verge, Helsinki_

Artemis studied the lines of vehicles approaching him. Herzig's armoured van would surely take this route. If it didn't, he would have to completely edit his already shaky plan. He squinted to further his viewing distance and, aha! There it was. Artemis' lips twitched upwards about a centimetre; and he sent the message.

_LEP Operations Booth, Haven_

Foaly read Artemis' confirmation message and grinned. His fingers flew over the keyboard as the largest viewing screen was suddenly covered by a live satellite feed showing the Mud Man's current location. Then, without any discernable warning to the residents above him, he pressed the final button.

_The backseat of a rented limousine, Helsinki _

Bade Herzig sunk into his seat and stretched his limbs. He was almost at his destination. "Almost at my _destiny_," he thought happily to himself. He had just begun to run over his acceptance speech for the nineteenth time when everything went dark. He sat up so quickly that he upset his water bottle and sent its contents spilling all over his freshly pressed trousers.

"What the --" his driver's exclamation was cut off as he hit the car in front of him, despite braking heavily. Bade felt a shudder as the limousine was nudged from behind. He peered out the window. Not a single light shone back to greet him. Houses, businesses, hotels, street lights … everything was dark. Bade scowled slightly; this couldn't be good for his schedule.

_A road verge, Helsinki_

Artemis snapped on his night vision goggles and began to run. He didn't have much time.

_The back of an armoured van, Helsinki_

"BE QUIET BOTH OF YOU!" Holly glared at her two ill tempered companions. Sool and Mulch had spent almost the entire trip arguing, and she had finally snapped. "I swear, as soon as I get out of these cuffs …"

"And how do you plan to do that, Short?" Snorted Sool, "Just waiting for your godmother to come bursting through those doors, hmm?"

Mulch opened his mouth to contribute when suddenly the van jerked and they were all sent sprawling towards the front of the vehicle. "D'Arvit! Why'd he stop?" grumbled Mulch, from his position under Sool's right leg.

"Shhh!" said Holly, "I think I heard something."

"I doubt it, Short."

"Shut up, Sool."

"D'Arvit, Dwarf! I demand that you speak to me with respect!"

Mulch blew a raspberry. Holly rolled her eyes. They were off again. She was just pondering why exactly the driver _did_ stop and if she could knock herself unconscious by sheer will alone when a quiet creak got her attention. "Mulch," she hissed, "The doors …"

Amazingly both Mulch and Sool immediately stopped arguing as they too turned to view the doors to their mobile prison slowing opening. Outside the streetlights were beginning to flicker on again and by their feeble light they saw a slight figure clamber into the van, and then hurriedly close the self locking doors once more.

"No! Don't close them!" Holly shouted, but she was a second too late and the doors clanged as the van became a prison once more.

_A side alley, Helsinki_

Butler checked the luminous dials on his watch. Foaly should be reactivating the power right about … now. Above the giant Eurasian the streetlights flickered once then shone as brightly as if they had never been interrupted. He smiled. Now he just had to wait.

_The backseat of a rented limousine, Helsinki _

Bade heaved a sigh of relief as the power reinstated itself and the long line of cars began to inch forward once more. He checked his watch and smiled; only a five minute delay. His schedule would go ahead as, well, scheduled.

_The back of an armoured van, Helsinki_

Holly blinked as the light of a touch snapped into life before her face. Then she caught sight of the figure holding the torch. "Artemis? What are you wearing!"

Artemis scowled. "I'll have you know that I wearing these monstrosities that some people call clothes for the sole reason of helping you escape." He turned to glare at Mulch who had apparently recovered from his shock to laugh hysterically. "Although if you prefer to remain here, that could also be arranged."

Mulch abruptly ceased his laughter.

Sool glared at Artemis. "And what makes you think you can help us, Mud Man? Not only are you of an inferior race, you're barely an infant!"

Artemis turned to face him. "As I see it, Sool, you have a choice. You can choose to do what I say, or, you can remain here and allow your entire civilisation to be uncovered by the general human public."

Sool turned a colour somewhere between puce and beige. "Fine, Human. But don't think you'll get out of a mind wipe this time!"

Artemis smirked. "Oh yes, because that eventuated so well last time."

_LEP Operations Booth, Haven_

Foaly cleared his throat and took a sip of beetle juice. "_Now_," he thought "_Time to alert the authorities_." He grinned. Life was so much more fun with Fowl involved.

_Police Station, Helsinki_

Uniforms dashed from room to room as phones all over the office rang loudly, and consistently. "_Why did the power have to go out **tonight** of all nights_?" thought one young officer dejectedly. His girlfriend was never going to forgive him for missing their anniversary. He picked up yet another receiver. "Police, Helsinki."

"Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear! Officer, I've got _awful_ news!"

Kai barely suppressed a groan. Another hysterical old lady ringing to tell them about how her little darling Fluffy was terrified by the power outage, no doubt.

The high pitched voice on the other end of the phone continued. "I was just driving along home, minding my own business like any good human should, and then - goodness gracious me! Off went the power! So then, of course, I stopped and waited and …"

Kai checked his watch. Maybe if he brought home flowers Tuija wouldn't kill him …

"… and _then_, Officer, I saw a young boy climb into the back of the armoured van in front of me! So lucky that the lights came on just then or we'd never have seen him! But then again, my grandmother always said …"

"Hang on!" exclaimed Kai "You saw a boy enter an armoured van?"

"Oh yes, Officer! Quite a small boy with black hair and those silly jeans that all the young folks wear …"

"Where was this?" interrupted Kai. As he jotted down the location that the old dear was providing for him he wondered why on earth he was prolonging his arrival at home. "_Oh right_," he thought irritably, "_It's my job_. _I am defiantly sleeping on the couch tonight_"


	9. A Laughing Stock

Disclaimer: I do own some things, amongst them a plush dinosaur, a windup hamster and red shoes. I, however, do not own Artemis Fowl.

**Chapter Nine**

_Side road, Helsinki_

Hannes scowled as he leant against the side of the armoured van that he had, until a few moments ago, been driving quite contentedly. He glanced over at the police officers gathered around the back of the vehicle were Jannes was entering the disabling code to open the doors. _Apparently_ some old lady had seen a kid jump in the back of the van. "_Yeah, right_," he thought.

Then one of the officers reached in to the van and pulled a teenager out by the scruff of his neck.

Hannes' eyes almost doubled in size. "_Now how did that get there?_"

_A side alley, Helsinki_

Butler checked his watch just as the minute hand jumped into place. He started his rented car. Time to go bail out Artemis. "_Or should I say Alfonse?_" he thought with a smile.

_Police Station, Helsinki_

Hjalmar looked up at the giant of a man who was currently casting a shadow across his entire workstation. "Uh, can I help you, sir?"

"Yes," replied the giant. "My name is Colonel Xavier Lee and I wish to report that my son is missing."

Hjalmar nodded and began typing details into his computer. "And the boy's name, sir?"

"ALFONSE!"

Hjalmar jumped and looked up, wondering why the Colonel had chosen to yell. He was answered immediately with the sight of a teenage boy being frogmarched into the station by two of his fellow officers. The Colonel grabbed the boy by the arm and shook him. "Alfonse, what have you been doing!"

The boy lifted a bored looking expression to face his simmering father. "Dude, I was just like, hanging out."

"We found him in the back of an armoured van." supplied one of the officers.

Lee turned a magnificent shade of magenta. Alfonse shot a glare at the police man that had answered his father.

"Gee, like, thanks, police dude."

"You will not talk to your superiors like that Alfonse!" shouted Colonel Lee. "Apologise, and then you can tell me what you were doing in an armoured van."

Alfonse shook his head. "Yeah, right."

Hjalmar prepared himself for another round of shouting from the Colonel.

Lee took a deep breath.

Jannes winced.

Kai jumped in. "How about you just take him home, sir, and tomorrow we can discuss this in more detail?"

The colour in the Colonel's cheeks died down a little. He nodded in Kai's direction. "Perhaps that is the best option." He turned his stern gaze on to Alfonse. "I believe I need to talk to my son."

And with that, he exited the building, dragging Alfonse behind him.

All three officers breathed a sigh of relief. "Hopefully he's not as angry tomorrow." muttered Hjalmar. Kai checked his watch.

"Do you think roses will stop Tuija from making me sleep on the couch?"

_A rented car, Helsinki_

"Well done Butler, you were a very convincing father."

"And you, Artemis, you were a very convincing juvenile delinquent."

"Thankyou. Now, I think perhaps we should reunite with our fairy friends, don't you think?"

Butler nodded. "So the interval between the police stopping the van and approaching the back was long enough?"

Artemis looked out the window. "Only just. I hope never to have to execute such a risky plan again. There were too many variables, Butler. I even thought at one stage that it might fail."

Butler smiled over at his charge. "I'm proud of you."

And although the young boy beside him said nothing, Butler thought he might have seen the reflection of a smile in the passenger window.

_Room 615, A Hotel, Helsinki_

Butler and Artemis entered their hotel room to find Holly, Mulch and Sool already making themselves at home.

"Took your time, I see." grumbled Sool.

Holly looked up from the couch. "You just can't stand it that a Mud Man thought of something you didn't, can you?"

Artemis began heading towards the main bedroom. "Actually, _Foaly_ thought of the spare acorn. I just provided the earth."

Holly shrugged. "Ah well. Sool got to do the ritual, we got to shield, and everything worked out fine."

Mulch snorted as he dug through the bar fridge. "I don't call almost getting taken to a home for old Mud Men fine."

Holly grinned. "Maybe you should try not to look as senile next time then." She turned to face Butler. "They thought he was talking to himself." she stage whispered.

Mulch swallowed as he devoured a packet of crisps in one mouthful. "Just remember, Holly; a dwarf never forgets."

Sool frowned so heavily that it appeared his eyebrows were going to combine; but before he could comment, Artemis emerged from the bedroom, adjusting the jacket to his usual style of suit.

"Shall we leave?" he enquired.

Butler nodded. "I think we're all done here."

Holly held up a hand. "What about all our equipment? As far as I know, it's still in Germany."

Sool grumbled something that sounded like agreement.

Butler smiled. "I arranged for Juliet to retrieve those for you."

"We'll post them as soon as we can." added Artemis with a smirk.

"Think again Mud Boy," scoffed Holly. "We'll be taking it all back with us."

Artemis waved a dismissive hand. "As you wish."

Mulch removed himself from the mini bar to face Artemis. He eyed him up and down and then breathed a slightly exaggerated sigh of relief.

"Well, he may still be a snotty little human, but at least now I don't have to worry that he's going to start rapping."

Artemis scowled. "That was a disguise."

Mulch shuddered. "I never want to see it again."

_Backseat of a rented limousine _

Bade angrily tossed back his sixth tumbler of scotch. He was a failure, a laughing stock! After all his careful preparation the fairies had escaped! He gritted his teeth. Ormand was going to love this.


	10. The Fairies Did This

_Germany_

Juliet headed towards the airport at a steady run, the fairy technology jangling in her backpack. Her mobile phone vibrated in her vest pocket and she answered without breaking stride.

"Juliet, it's Dom,"

"Hey, big brother! Who's house did I just break into?"

Butler sighed. "You didn't read the file I sent you."

"Yes, I did!" replied Juliet defensively.

"All of it?"

Juliet paused.

"It was pretty long …"

Hundreds of miles away, Butler shook his head. His sister would never change.

"Did you get the equipment?"

"Yeah – I feel like a buff blonde Santa with all this gear."

Butler chuckled. "Well, we have some elves here who like to received their presents face-to-face. Can we rendezvous at the Manor?"

Juliet checked her watch. "Sure, I'll call when I'm in the country. Can I have the Kompressor?"

"No need," replied Butler, "Artemis called a contact. There's a helicopter waiting for you at the airport."

Juliet grinned. "What? No reindeer?"

"This analogy has gone too far."

"See you in Ireland."

_Paris_

"Ireland? You're sure this time?"

"That's what the flight controller told me."

The man shifted his grip on the phone and lit another cigarette.

"Fine. It will do."

"And we're even."

"No."

"What? But I-"

The man ran a hand over his stubble and chuckled.

"I don't forget that easily, love. And, more importantly, I don't destroy photographs just because some tart tells me where a kid is."

The voice on the other end of the line gasped.

"Tart?! You-"

The man hung up. He took a long drag from his cigarette and dialed another number.

"Tony? It's Marc. I need someone to die."

He chuckled again, a low hoarse sound.

"I know, that's why I called you."

_Ireland_

Butler had prepared a simple meal – stuffed aubergine, roasted zucchini, and crème brulee.

Mulch swallowed his serving in one, very large, mouthful. He wiped his face noisily.

"What's for seconds?" he asked.

Holly casually reached over and smacked the back of his head.

Artemis raised an eyebrow.

Sool poked at his zucchini moodily.

Butler cleared his throat.

Mulch grumbled quietly, rubbing his head as he did so.

Holly sighed. "When will Juliet be here?"

"Soon," replied Butler.

"How soon?" asked Sool. "We need to contact Haven to get the mind-wipe technicians up here."

"Are you serious, Sool? Artemis saved us all!"

Sool sniffed. "Mud-men aren't developed enough to cope with the knowledge of our existence. Mind-wiping is the only option."

"We seem to have coped rather well," replied Artemis.

"You're a danger to our entire society," said Sool, pointing a manicured finger in Artemis' direction.

Butler grabbed the finger, and squeezed.

"Do you need this?"

Sool whimpered.

A bell dinged.

Butler released Sool and stood. "Artemis, there is a car at the gates."

Artemis wiped his mouth delicately. "Do we know who is it?"

"It appears to be Mr and Mrs Fowl,"

Artemis nodded.

"Very well, our guests will have to relocate to my quarters."

Holly nodded. "I know the way. Come on Mulch."

Mulch sniffed.

Holly rolled her eyes.

"I'm sorry for hitting you."

"I'll forgive you," said Mulch, "if you give me the rest of your dessert."

_Germany_

Bade stomped up the stairs to his study. He may have failed to bring fairies to the world, but he could still bring their technology. He would be even richer, famous, and able to get revenge on all those who had mocked him. He smiled slightly. _We'll see who gets the last laugh, then, won't we?_

He pushed open the door, and his gaze fell on the table in the middle of the room. The empty table that had previously held all of the fairy technology he had obtained. Bade snarled. The fairies! The fairies had done this! He stalked over to his computer. He still had the photos of them! He'd sent them to the media and then the world would know! The computer whirred and then displayed a short message on the screen. Files not found. Bade roared, a primate sound of rage as he threw the computer screen out the window. The fairies had done this, he knew. They were all against him. They were probably watching him now, listening to him, laughing at him. He stuck his head out of the broken window and screamed at the sky.

The gardener below edged away slowly. Helga was right, his boss was a madman. Maybe he should have taken that job at the sanitation plant.


	11. Artemis Will Be Fine

_Ireland_

Holly clipped her watch onto her wrist and smiled. "I feel better now."

Juliet doffed an imaginary hat. "Glad to be of service, ma'am. Did I tell you I'm going to be in a film? I'm going to play the assassin with a heart of gold."

Mulch snorted. "You'd be a terrible assassin. I could feel you coming from the moment you landed."

Juliet growled dramatically. "I could kill you, Dwarf … with my bare hands."

Mulch narrowed his eyes. "Or … could you?"

Holly groaned. "Enough, for Frond's sake. You're both awful actors."

Sool reentered the room, smirking in a way that didn't seem to bode well for anyone. Except, of course, for himself.

"I've spoken to the Council. The mindwipe technicians will be arriving shortly, you two will be heading back on the next flare, and I will be taking the fast shuttle to a pay rise and Frond's Honor for containing this potentially explosive incident."

"You did all that in the time it takes to use the bathroom?" asked Juliet. "I hope you washed your hands."

"Sool," growled Holly, "you're lower than a swear toad and with lesser morals. If it wasn't for us and the mud folk, you'd still be stuck in a cage in Helsinki."

Sool brushed his lapels. "I had the situation under control."

Artemis entered the room. "Mother and Father have retired for the night. Shall we make arrangements for transport to E4?"

"No need," spat Holly, "Sool's already arranged transport."

"And mind-wipes for yourself," added Sool, sounding smug.

"Hmm," said Artemis, as he brushed imaginary lint from his lapel, "and how will the technicians enter the premises, I wonder?"

"We've been invited," blustered Sool, "you can invite them, too."

Artemis smirked.

"Now why would I do that?"

"You can't keep us here!"

"No," said Artemis, "I can't. But I can un-invite you."

"What?" Sool whipped out his Pocket Policy Pal™. "Can he do that? Is that allowed?"

"Holly," continued Artemis, "you may want to leave the manor grounds before I revoke my invitation."

Holly grinned.

"I'm already gone."

Mulch cleared his throat.

"I'm going as well, Mud-man. Sool would probably try to arrest me for _not_ throwing up."

Artemis nodded, and the dwarf left.

"Sool."

Sool looked up from where he was still frantically flipping pages.

"I'll send in a troll," he blustered, "you'll cry for help."

"Yes," said Butler, "stepping around the doorway, "it worked so well the first time."

Artemis checked his watch.

"Are you going to leave, Sool?"

The elf gulped.

"You need to be mind-wiped …"

"You've got two minutes."

Sool left at a run, still trying to read his book.

Bulter glanced around the room.

"Can you really un-invite them?"

Artemis raised one eyebrow.

"It wasn't covered in the Book. This shall be an experiment. A very poor experiment given the range of variables and inconsistencies in scientific theory … but an experiment nonetheless."

Bulter nodded.

"It has been two minutes."

Artemis nodded.

"I hereby revoke any invitation issued in this household or grounds prior to this statement that could and or would allow any member of the fairy race to enter the household or grounds."

They waited.

"How do we know if it worked?"

"If we wake up tomorrow with no recollection of the People, we'll know it didn't."

Bulter stroked his chin.

"Hmm."

_Haven_

Holly stretched and propped her feet up on her desk.

"This place is much nicer now."

Mulch nodded as he slurped down his cup of Egg Noodle and Moss – Just add water™!

"It's amazing what a bit of gold will get you."

"And now that we're city heroes, hopefully we'll get some better cases."

"What? You don't like finding lost cats?"

Holly's communicator beeped.

"Short and Diggums Detective Agency,"

"Holly," said Foaly, "it's me."

"I know," grinned Holly, "but doesn't it sound nice?"

Foaly rolled his eyes.

"Wonderful," he replied, "Sool lost his appeal to send in a troll."

"Good," said Holly, "I don't know if Butler could have taken out another one."

"Yeah, well, the Council thinks maybe he could."

"And why do they think that?"

"I may have told them so,"

Holly laughed.

"So, this is a happy ending then,"

Foaly nodded.

"You saved the ugly superior officer, prevented a reveal of our entire civilization, stopped Arty from being mind-wiped _again_, found out why people were shooting at Arty and stopped them, and got some gold out of the deal. I'd say you did pretty well."

Holly sat up straighter.

"Artemis was being shot at?"

"Yeah, when I first called him, there was a shot and so later when I was meant to be doing accounts I hacked in to the security systems around the art gallery and –"

"_Artemis_ was the target?"

"Yeah, like I was saying, the –"

"Where was Butler?"

"He was standing in front of the security camera and I think maybe that little Arty wasn't there just to admire the –"

"Who was it? Who made the shot?"

"Uh, face recognition software says … Xue Li, Australian resident and gun for hire."

"_Assassin _…" breathed Holly.

"Yeah, well," said Foaly, "she didn't get him, did she?"

Holly rubbed her temples.

"Who hired her?"

On the other end of the line she could hear Foaly's keyboard tapping.

"I can't find a money trail," he finally answered, "probably conducted in person."

"Who would want Artemis dead?" she pondered.

Foaly laughed loudly.

"Are you kidding me?" he snorted. "Uh, let's start with every waiter, tailor and restaurateur in Europe and then extend that pool to everyone he's ever met."

"I don't want to kill him," muttered Holly.

"Me neither," inserted Mulch, "Hi Foaly."

"Oh," said Foaly, "is Mulch there? Maybe I'm glad now that you only have a pathetically outdated verbal communication unit now."

"Ha," said Mulch, "and maybe I'm glad that even if we did have a visual communication unit, you'd still be too fat to fit all of you in the screen."

"Ouch," said Foaly, "that hurt."

"Mud-whelps," snapped Holly, "_seriously_."

"He started it," muttered Foaly.

"We've got to warn Artemis,"

"Holly," said Foaly, "you seriously think that Artemis doesn't realize people want to kill him? That's why he's got Butler."

"Yeah," snapped Holly, "and a great deal of help he was at the art gallery."

Foaly rolled his eyes, and then remembered that Holly couldn't see him.

"Artemis will be fine,"

Holly sighed.

"But what if he isn't?"


	12. Last Meal

_London_

Artemis delicately dabbed at his mouth with his napkin.

"Quite decent," he said, "a little too much salt."

"It tasted fine to me," replied Butler.

"You may be trained to recognize the taste of poisons, old friend, but a food connoisseur you are not."

Artemis raised one long finger in the air.

"_Garcon_," he articulated.

A waiter appeared almost immediately.

"Was the dish to ones liking, sir?"

Artemis nodded.

"It was fine,"

The waiter leaned over to remove the plates from the small table.

"And as a last meal?"

Artemis looked up.

The waiter grinned.

"Goodbye,"

Butler began to choke.

"Domovoi," began Artemis, "what-"

He broke off as he too started to choke. In his peripheral vision he could see the waiter moving quickly away and out of the restaurant.

His hands moved quickly to his throat. He could feel his flesh swelling.

"Artemis," gasped Butler, his swollen fingers grasping around his concealed pockets.

Artemis took a long shuddering breath; his vision was beginning to cloud. He could barely see the crowd that had formed, waiting around them like sheep. "_Or carrion birds,"_ he thought dizzily.

Butler fell to his knees before Artemis, bringing them to eye level. He held a small pen like device. Artemis saw him as though like through water lifting his arm, and then letting it fall. It struck him in the neck and the small sting made the scene jump painfully clear before his eyes. He was dying. The waiter had somehow poisoned them. Butler was giving him the antidote, but he would be too ill to reach for one of the others he carried. Even if the antidote was correct, Butler would be dead before Artemis recovered enough to inject him.

It was over.

_Elsewhere in London_

The pop of a champagne cork sounded incongruous with the somber room. Marc smiled to himself as he filled his glass. Tony had out done himself. Not only was Fowl dead, his faithful lap dog was too. He raised his glass to the ceiling. "To revenge," he murmured.

_Ireland_

Artemis's funeral was held on a rare day in Ireland when the sun was shining. Beneath the clear blue sky, a small crowd stood beside a mahogany coffin. The only sounds to break the silence were the muffled sobs of Angeline Fowl, weeping into her handkerchief and she lent on her husband for support. Artemis Fowl Senior kept his face stoic, but his eyes betrayed his sorrow. His son was dead, his life tragically short, and tomorrow they would attend the funeral of Domovoi Butler. The world was dark, and cruel, and he wasn't sure how he would go on. Beside him, Juliet Butler stood silently. Her hands clasped so tight that her knuckles were white, and her head lowered, twin tracks of tears running down her cheeks. Artemis Fowl the First looked up at the mocking sky. He would find whoever was responsible for this sorrow. He would find them, and then, he would have them killed.

A/N: Thankyou to everyone who has reviewed, they really encourage me to continue updating.


	13. Please and Thankyou

_Haven_

Artemis sat up and rubbed his throat.

"Good evening," chirped a small voice.

Artemis looked around and noticed an elf standing in the doorway.

"Good evening," he replied, "might I inquire as to where we are?"

"This is the Haven Rehabilitation Clinic, and I am Doctor Cantaloupe –"

Artemis raised his left eyebrow.

"- and I must say, I'm most impressed that you're awake. Most humans wouldn't have survived the procedure, and the others almost never wake up from the coma."

"Which procedure are you referring to?"

Doctor Cantaloupe clasped his hands together happily.

"Oh, yes, you would have no memory of it – wonderful! We call it the Tech Support Op - we put you into a deep stasis, reboot your internal procedures, if you will, and then wait and see if you wake up again!"

Artemis cleared his throat.

"Sounds very … scientific. And you've had success with this procedure."

Doctor Cantaloupe beamed.

"Yes, indeed! We've got 47 humans within this facility – all perfectly healthy!"

"And how many are still comatose?"

"Oh, 45."

"Ah," said Artemis, "I presume I am number 46?"

"No," said Doctor Cantaloupe, "you are number 47! Number 46 has been asking to see you though."

"Is number 46 Domovoi Butler?"

Doctor Cantaloupe nodded.

"Yes, indeed! Come along, you must be hungry."

Artemis stretched his fingers as he followed the elf down a long yellow hallway. Was it possible that he hadn't died? It certainly had felt like he was dying at the restaurant. He knew that Foaly monitored his phone and internet activity, but how could the fairies have known that he and Butler were in danger? And why had they saved him?

"Here we are! Take a seat, take a seat. I'll get one of the nurses to bring you some tea. Most exciting! This will make the Helena Institute sit up and take notice! Two human recoveries! Wonderful!"

Doctor Cantaloupe continued to talk to himself as he exited the room. Artemis sat on one of the miniature couches and continued to ponder his situation.

"Artemis!"

Artemis looked up.

"Butler, my old friend."

Butler pulled his charge into a crushing hug, and then proceeded to check him over for injuries.

"I'm perfectly fine, Butler. The fairies have seen to that."

Butler released him, and Artemis finally noticed the anguish etched on his face.

"I failed, Artemis. I didn't suspect the waiter, and I didn't feel him inject me. I let you die."

Artemis stood silently. He wasn't very good at comforting people. Should he pat Butler on the arm?

"Artemis, I must resign as your bodyguard. You need someone better. You deserve that."

"That won't be necessary, Butler," said Artemis finally, "We shall simply take greater precaution. I will also not continue to dismiss threats made on my life."

Butler shook his head.

"Very well, Artemis, I will respect your decision. However, if you ever change your mind, I will step down."

Artemis nodded.

"Very well," he replied, "but presently, Butler, we must determine our situation. I have been told that we were subject to an experimental fairy procedure, but I am unaware how the fairies knew we were in danger, and also why they decided to save us."

"I haven't been given any information, and all of my weapons and supplies have been confiscated."

Artemis rubbed his temples.

"I believe we should attempt to contact Foaly. I do not have any of my personal items, so we must find another method of communication."

"Any ideas, Artemis?"

"Yes," replied Artemis, as he walked into the hallway, "Nurse!"

An elf opened one of the many doors lining the walls and peered out.

"Yes, human?"

"I require contact with Holly Short, Foaly, or Mulch Diggums,"

The elf walked up to Artemis and crossed her arms imperiously.

"What's the magic word?"

Artemis stared at her.

The elf stared back.

Artemis cleared his throat.

"Please?"

The elf nodded.

"Good boy, you can go far with manners."

Artemis nodded meekly.

"Now," continued the elf, "you want to talk to Holly Short?"

"Yes," said Artemis, "please."

The elf smiled.

"You're a quick learner, aren't you?" she said. "You're in luck, human, I happen to have a comm.-node that you can use. Do you know the number?"

"No, ma'am,"

The elf pulled the comm.-node from her coat pocket and started tapping on the screen.

Artemis nodded at Butler, who was watching the exchange with no small amount of amusement.

"There we go," the elf announced, "it's connecting, I'll be in the office when you're finished."

"Thankyou," replied Artemis, as he took the node and held it before his face.

The elf nodded and walked back into her room.

The screen of the node flashed once and then Holly's face appeared.

"Artemis," she said, sounding surprised, "how'd you get a comm.-node?"

"I borrowed it," said Artemis, "and I need your help."

"Surprise, surprised," quipped Holly, "what have you done now?"

"Butler and I were assassinated –"

"Assassinated! I _told_ Foaly that we should have warned you! Wait, why aren't you dead then?"

"I believe we were saved via a fairy medical procedure, and I thought you might know how and why."

Holly screwed up her eyebrows.

"I have no idea. Where are you?"

"Haven Rehabilitation Clinic,"

Holly sighed.

"Oh, with Doctor Cantaloupe?"

Artemis nodded.

"That's correct,"

"He does work for the LEP, and he's been putting humans in comas for decades. He's a quack."

"Well, he appears to have succeeded,"

Holly frowned.

"True," she conceded, "look, I'll contact Foaly, and we'll come and get you. Stay put, Fowl."

"Where else would I go?"

"Knowing you, into our bank safes,"

The corner of Artemis' mouth quirked slightly.

"Butler and I will remain here,"

Holly smiled.

"See you soon,"

The screen went blue.

"Well," said Artemis, "Holly obviously didn't organize this."

"No," said Butler, "so, who did?"

Artemis shook his head.

"I do not know. And I believe that before I start considering that question, I should return this device."

"Yes," said Butler, "and don't forget to say thankyou."

* * *

_Ireland_

Artemis Fowl the First sat at his desk, his head in his hands. It had been two weeks since his son died. He was so tired. None of his connections had been able to turn up any information on Arty's murderer. Angeline walked around the house like a ghost and every room seemed too quiet, too big, and too empty. He couldn't sleep, food tasted like ash in his mouth, and all he could think of was why? Why _his_ son? He rubbed at his eyes and deleted another email that contained only sympathies and a request to attend another board meeting. Why bother? Everything he had was for his son, and now Arty wasn't here. He sighed deeply and stood. He should check on Angeline. She'd stopped crying three days ago, but Artemis knew that her heart hadn't stopped breaking.

* * *

A/N: And you thought I'd killed Arty for real. Shame on you. But you can make it up to me by reviewing. ;)


End file.
